- John Gray discovered the differences that motivate men and women.
- He put them in his book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
- Men are all about beating the competition and being self-reliant
- Men only want to feel good feelings through winning competition
- Men feel threatened when they feel bad feelings
- Women want to feel all feelings spontaneously, positive and negative
- Women feel threatened when they are NOT ALLOWED to feel all feelings spontaneously
- Women are all about sharing their spontaneous feelings
- Women are all about relationship and connection, not competition
Just what are the Primary Needs of Men and Women?
Find out below!
The One Thing That Changes The Game
In his book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray explains that there are “Six Primary Needs” for Men and Women, each set of six unique for each.
For Men however, the Six Primary Needs all boil down to one…a man needs a woman to recognize and value his strength.
John Gray calls this recognition, “Admiration.” He writes that:
“…a man has a primary need to feel a woman’s admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents…” (Gray 136).[¹]
John Gray explains that these talents “may include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, and other so-called old-fashioned virtues” (Gray 136).
The bottom line is “When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her” (Gray 136).
Meet Lord Moran
Why is it so important that a woman recognizes and values a man’s strength? Why is this the foundation of attraction for men?
Lord Moran knew the answer.
Lord Moran was a regimental doctor in the British Army in WWI. He served with distinction in the trench warfare of the Western Front, and afterwards, he became Winston Churchill’s personal physician during WWII.
Lord Moran wrote in his book Anatomy of Courage about an idea he called “The Courage Bank.”
Forget the Cowardly Lion
To understand what the word “Courage” meant in Lord Moran’s day.
Today when we hear the word Courage, we associate the word with self-sacrifice. That’s not when where associating it with the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz!
It’s not a very tough word today. But that’s exactly what it meant in Lord Moran’s day.
Back then, Courage meant Tough. It meant being tough enough to get the job done, to fight on to victory, to beat your opponent.
If someone were to say in Lord Moran’s day: “He was a courageous man,” the modern-day translation would be “he was a bada**.”
So when you see the word “Courage” in old historical texts, think the word “Tough.”
The Image Of The Invincible Victor
We’ve written about Courage before at Mind at War. It’s one of “The Big 4”, the Four Cardinal Virtues of Western Civilization that we base all our work off of here.
Thomas Aquinas explains that Courage–or as we like to say, being Tough–consists of two parts:
Whatever word you use, the meaning is always the same: you see yourself as an Invincible Victor.
It’s about having an unshakable belief that you are always a winner, even when you are losing.
It’s the attitude that your enemy’s hits you take don’t affect you at all, that they are nothing, that you are invincible.
It’s the attitude you are always on top, no matter the outside circumstances.
This attitude shocks your enemy, and fuels you on to victory. It’s the only thing that makes Daring possible, which is the Aggression to beat your foe.
The Bank and The Truck
Lord Moran writes that a man’s image of himself as invincible victor fuels him to victory in battle. But the image is like money in a bank.
That means when you use it to fuel yourself to victory, you deplete its stockpile. Just like money in a bank, you’ve got to deposit more money in in order to spend it.
Another way to think of it is like gas in a truck. You can have the most beautiful truck in the world with most powerful V-8 engine, but if you don’t have gas in the tank, it won’t go anywhere.
How can a man stay in the black with the “Courage Bank”? How can he keep the tank full in the “Tough Truck”?
A man can replenish his Courage Bank through the thoughts of his mind and the things he tells himself. These things control whether he sees himself as inevitable victor or a forever loser.
But men aren’t the only ones who can do this.
The Women Who Run The Bank
Women can replenish or deplete a man’s Courage Bank, too.
The women that recognizes and praises a man’s invincible strength are the most attractive to men. Their recognition and praise add to his image as an invincible victor.
Women like these deposit in the Courage Bank.
Worship Straight, No Chaser
Different women can add to a man’s Courage Bank in different ways. Each man has his own preferred style.
Some men like straight worship. They battle their foes throughout the day, and want praise, honor, and adoration from their women at home. They like a worshipping princess.
These men do not want to be tested by their women. They are tested by their opponents in the world, and do not need to be tested at home. They want their image as an invincible winner restored by their women, not tested.
They’ve already won the competition. They want their women to give them medal.
The “Dog People” Paradox
Other men like what some call the “Submissive B****.”
Unlike the straight worship variety, these men enjoy it when their women test them in conflict.
These men like to “prove” their image as an invincible winner by successfully overcoming difficult women…the “B****” part of the equation.
This makes them feel that they’ve “earned” the inevitable praise, honor, and adoration of their women through their own tough effort…the “Submissive” part of the equation.
The Feminist You Don’t Know
Some people might mistake the second category of women as “Feminazis”…the kind of bitter females who write books with titles like “How To Date Men When You Hate Men”.
But these women are not Feminazis.
Because true Feminazis will never recognize and praise a man’s image as an invincible victor.
The “Submissive B****”, though difficult and conniving, always will in the end–if only temporarily, before beginning the rounds of testing and rewards anew.
The Two-For-One Special
All women (NOT Feminazis) have both the “Worshipping Princess” and the “Submissive B**** inside of them. They have and use both, and it is very attractive to man.
However, the differences is that some women have more of one, or more of the other. Lucky for them, some men are attracted to more of one, while some are attracted to more of the other.
As Sherry Agrov explains to women in her book, Why Men Love B****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl–A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship:
“When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete” (Agrov 79).
Whether the bad guy is outside the wire, or the bad guy is the difficulty inside a man’s woman of choice, both require the strength and power of man to overcome.
Strength and power for a woman to recognize and praise.
The Bottom Line
Whichever style of woman a man likes, whether more “Worshiping Princess” or “Submissive B****”, the bottom line is the same:
Men are attracted to women who add to their image of the invincible winner by recognizing and praising their strength and power.
This is the Primary Need of Men.
Want to learn the primary need of Women?
Then check out our latest article: “The Primary Needs of Men and Women: Part 2”, coming soon!
If you’d like to learn more about John Gray’s PhD-level work on the differences in Men and Women, check out his website at www.marsvenus.com.
And if you’d like to learn more about how the truth about Men and Women affects a Third World war zone, then check out Mind at War Chief Editor Richard Barrett’s book, “All Men Follow the Strongman: The Forgotten History of the Iraq War.”
Argov, Sherry. Why Men Love B****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl–A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. New York, NY: Adams Media, 2009.
Gray, Dr. John. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 1992.